Confession

I feel like I've done this before on this blog. But I don't think I have. Anyways, you didn't start reading this to hear me talk about deja vu. You came to hear my confession.

Confession One: I am a liar.

Confession Two: I am a hypocrite.

Confession Three: I hate who I have been and I plan on changing.

Confession Four: I am very, VERY new at this apparently.

You probably need an explanation for all of that.

For the past several weeks, maybe months, I have been doubting my faith. I have been failing my King, my Creator. I was angry and resentful. I hated everyone. I hated even God. I hated everything and myself.

Myself expecially.

It disgusts me how much of a liar I am. I started a bible study with Davey and Josh, and still I doubted. I pointed people back to the bible even though I didn't listen to the bible or care what it said. I gave off the impression that I was happy and loving God and that everything was fine, which is hasn't been for quite a while.

Tonight, on top of everything that has been on top of my shoulders, it dawned on me. I didn't even believe God was real anymore. I didn't trust Him or see Him or feel Him or have Him.

I admitted this to my small group at youth group. In front of these girls I respect and love, I admitted that I had doubts about God right now. I had no idea who I was or who God was or what was going to happen to me when I died.

Mrs. Bacon gave me some verses to read. I read them sure. I looked at them once she gave them to me and I got more frustrated because they were things I'd read since I was a child. They were things I knew by heart. They were either that or things that I couldn't make sense of, which was even worse. I wrote it down in my journal and set about blogging.

This was a blog I didn't publish. But it was basically a rant. I very angry, hurt, and depressed rant about how God was doing nothing in my life. How my life was messed up and disgusting and God didn't seem to care.

I finished it with some insults at my friends and family, fed up with them not noticing that I was falling apart. And then I deleted it and fell onto my bed in tears.

I was so messed up. I was angry and resentful and hurting and it was all my fault, and I knew that. But I was blaming it on anyone I could. I was blaming it on my friends who "should've" noticed even though I've been living a lie for the past few months. I was blaming my parents, who have done nothing but try to help me. I blamed God for leaving me here, in the middle of my sin and anguish and pain.

I sat there on my bed and sobbed. I didn't know who I was or what God was or what would happen to me if I died right then. I lay there, curled up in a ball, angry and crying. I was sure I was going to stay like that all night.

Then Graycen texted me, offering to listen when I needed it because she'd understand. I'm ashamed to stay I started laguhing. I laughed this angry, hollow laugh through my tears.

"Like you'd understand anything about me." I'd whispered, still laughing and still crying. I texted her back, saying that I doubted she would understand.

She didn't give up. She texted back and said that she was there if I needed to talk. She said that sh'ed been to counseling and could help. And I laughed again, the same disgusting sound as before. Because if anyone knows anything about counseling, I do.

I told her it didn't work and that, aside from the fact it didn't work, I was a liar and a hypocrite and no one would want to help me.

She told me she forgave me and that God loved me. She told me I could find answers.

She didn't even know! She didn't know that'd I'd basically been lying to the whole school for months, convincing them I was a good person! She didn't know that I'd been hypocritical to her and to my classmates and to my friends. But she forgave me?

I started crying again. Because I was sure I couldn't find answers. I told her that too. I said that I was trying to find answers but I was scared because I didn't know what to do or where to turn or if God was even real.

She quoted John 16:33 to me. "I have told you these things tht you may have peace in the world, you will have trouble but take heart. I have overcome this world."

I was crying harder then, because I didn't feel God. All I felt was a pressure of darkness, anger, shame, and fear around me. I was terrified. I was crying so hard I thought my head was going to burst. I was so scared I wanted to call for someone to hold me, but I couldn't.

I heard voices whisper that I'd have to let things go that I loved. I'd have to let people go if I wanted to follow God. Now I see it was the devil trying to get me to stop asking questions, but at the time I was just overcome with fear and I said out loud, "You can't have him." Over and over, I said that. I was so scared I couldn't move.

I told her that God wasn't there. I told her that I couldn't feel him.

She told me that we all go through times where we can't find God. But He's still there. She said that He is God, the creator and He has a purpose for our lives. She said that God has all the right answers and that He only tests us to make sure we stay faithful. Our pain and fear we feel now won't last. Eventually we die and we go to heaven or hell.

I asked how I could know for sure I was going to heaven, because honestly I didn't really know.

I'm not going to say I got saved, because I got saved a while ago when I was younger. But I definitly rededicated my life to the Lord tonight.

What have a learned? I haven't learned anything new neccesarily, because I've been hearing this since I was a kid. But I know a few things now. That God is always there, no matter what. I know that I am definitly going to heaven.

Sure I still have questions. I'm going out with one of my friends on Tuesday to ask some of them. But I'm ready now. I know God's here. He has a plan for my life and it's a big one. It's always a big one, for everyone.

I have so much to learn. They say the closer you are to God, the more you realize how sinful you are. I feel pretty disgusting right now, but God forgave me. All I can do now if follow what He has to say, and look for more answers to my questions.

Till my search ends, which will be never,

Christina