Confession

I feel like I've done this before on this blog. But I don't think I have. Anyways, you didn't start reading this to hear me talk about deja vu. You came to hear my confession.

Confession One: I am a liar.

Confession Two: I am a hypocrite.

Confession Three: I hate who I have been and I plan on changing.

Confession Four: I am very, VERY new at this apparently.

You probably need an explanation for all of that.

For the past several weeks, maybe months, I have been doubting my faith. I have been failing my King, my Creator. I was angry and resentful. I hated everyone. I hated even God. I hated everything and myself.

Myself expecially.

It disgusts me how much of a liar I am. I started a bible study with Davey and Josh, and still I doubted. I pointed people back to the bible even though I didn't listen to the bible or care what it said. I gave off the impression that I was happy and loving God and that everything was fine, which is hasn't been for quite a while.

Tonight, on top of everything that has been on top of my shoulders, it dawned on me. I didn't even believe God was real anymore. I didn't trust Him or see Him or feel Him or have Him.

I admitted this to my small group at youth group. In front of these girls I respect and love, I admitted that I had doubts about God right now. I had no idea who I was or who God was or what was going to happen to me when I died.

Mrs. Bacon gave me some verses to read. I read them sure. I looked at them once she gave them to me and I got more frustrated because they were things I'd read since I was a child. They were things I knew by heart. They were either that or things that I couldn't make sense of, which was even worse. I wrote it down in my journal and set about blogging.

This was a blog I didn't publish. But it was basically a rant. I very angry, hurt, and depressed rant about how God was doing nothing in my life. How my life was messed up and disgusting and God didn't seem to care.

I finished it with some insults at my friends and family, fed up with them not noticing that I was falling apart. And then I deleted it and fell onto my bed in tears.

I was so messed up. I was angry and resentful and hurting and it was all my fault, and I knew that. But I was blaming it on anyone I could. I was blaming it on my friends who "should've" noticed even though I've been living a lie for the past few months. I was blaming my parents, who have done nothing but try to help me. I blamed God for leaving me here, in the middle of my sin and anguish and pain.

I sat there on my bed and sobbed. I didn't know who I was or what God was or what would happen to me if I died right then. I lay there, curled up in a ball, angry and crying. I was sure I was going to stay like that all night.

Then Graycen texted me, offering to listen when I needed it because she'd understand. I'm ashamed to stay I started laguhing. I laughed this angry, hollow laugh through my tears.

"Like you'd understand anything about me." I'd whispered, still laughing and still crying. I texted her back, saying that I doubted she would understand.

She didn't give up. She texted back and said that she was there if I needed to talk. She said that sh'ed been to counseling and could help. And I laughed again, the same disgusting sound as before. Because if anyone knows anything about counseling, I do.

I told her it didn't work and that, aside from the fact it didn't work, I was a liar and a hypocrite and no one would want to help me.

She told me she forgave me and that God loved me. She told me I could find answers.

She didn't even know! She didn't know that'd I'd basically been lying to the whole school for months, convincing them I was a good person! She didn't know that I'd been hypocritical to her and to my classmates and to my friends. But she forgave me?

I started crying again. Because I was sure I couldn't find answers. I told her that too. I said that I was trying to find answers but I was scared because I didn't know what to do or where to turn or if God was even real.

She quoted John 16:33 to me. "I have told you these things tht you may have peace in the world, you will have trouble but take heart. I have overcome this world."

I was crying harder then, because I didn't feel God. All I felt was a pressure of darkness, anger, shame, and fear around me. I was terrified. I was crying so hard I thought my head was going to burst. I was so scared I wanted to call for someone to hold me, but I couldn't.

I heard voices whisper that I'd have to let things go that I loved. I'd have to let people go if I wanted to follow God. Now I see it was the devil trying to get me to stop asking questions, but at the time I was just overcome with fear and I said out loud, "You can't have him." Over and over, I said that. I was so scared I couldn't move.

I told her that God wasn't there. I told her that I couldn't feel him.

She told me that we all go through times where we can't find God. But He's still there. She said that He is God, the creator and He has a purpose for our lives. She said that God has all the right answers and that He only tests us to make sure we stay faithful. Our pain and fear we feel now won't last. Eventually we die and we go to heaven or hell.

I asked how I could know for sure I was going to heaven, because honestly I didn't really know.

I'm not going to say I got saved, because I got saved a while ago when I was younger. But I definitly rededicated my life to the Lord tonight.

What have a learned? I haven't learned anything new neccesarily, because I've been hearing this since I was a kid. But I know a few things now. That God is always there, no matter what. I know that I am definitly going to heaven.

Sure I still have questions. I'm going out with one of my friends on Tuesday to ask some of them. But I'm ready now. I know God's here. He has a plan for my life and it's a big one. It's always a big one, for everyone.

I have so much to learn. They say the closer you are to God, the more you realize how sinful you are. I feel pretty disgusting right now, but God forgave me. All I can do now if follow what He has to say, and look for more answers to my questions.

Till my search ends, which will be never,

Christina

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for a number of things this year. God has blessed me so much. I let myself believe sometimes that my life isn't wonderful. Sometimes I let the devil tell me that life could be better. But in all honesty, it couldn't be. God obviously has me here, which is the best it can get. I have a house, clothes, food, heating, AC, and a family. My friends are amazing.

I'll just list off some stuff I'm thankful for:

• My family, who are unconditionally here for me even if we get into fights a lot.
• My best friend in the world, Abby, whom without I would surely loose my insanity and go sane. I love her so much.
• The four peers, Davey, Seth, Logan, and Jeremy. Without them we'd still have a wild Ian in our school and I would be without four of my best guy friends.
• My lunch table which consists of Logan, Davey, Alex, Austin, Payne, Chris, Gumsan, Caleb, and sometimes Josh. If I didn't have them, I would have no one to tell me about the Pope, video games, Rigil, or sports. I would also not have as much food in my belly. So, thanks for not making fun of my crazy ideas and letting me be your friend, guys.
• My youth group, who picks me up and helps me along when ever I need them too. They make me smile when I feel like crying and they are always there for me.
• My school in general. Even though we have drama, some of the teachers get on my nerves, and we have to wear these silly uniforms...it's still the best school ever. We really do actually care about each other and we really do have Christ in our school. Love you guys!
• All my friends from camp! I love you guys so much. Your all insane.
• All my friends from Canada! You guys are the best people in the world. You made my stay in PEI the best ever. Brandon, Jordan, Reice, MacKenzie, Bailey, Jeremy, Jessica, Tibor, Sherlyn, John, and Melissa. You guys are the best.
• GREEN M&M's!!! Nuff' said.

So yeah. That's just some stuff I'm thankful for. Had to post something eventually.

Until my class ring stops being AWESOME,

Christina

Grey Areas

Has anyone noticed that the longer your alive, the more grey areas there seem to be. When your a kid, your taught right and wrong. Your parents say going out after dark is bad, its bad. Your parents say smoking, drinking, and drugs is wrong, you create yourself a little world where you keep all of those things out. Your just a little kid, you don't know anything. So its an easy thing to do. Sure you may not want to sometimes, but it doesn't matter. Your parents are your parents. They'll spank you.

Then you grow up. You grow up and realize your parents can't spank you. You hear that drugs and drinking and smoking isn't bad all the time. Just sometimes. But you remember what your parents say and stay away from it. But now, your curiosity is peaked. You think, "Hey...maybe its not all bad. I'm not going to do it. But it doesn't seem as awful as mom and dad said."

Underage drinking and underage smoking is so normal now-a-days that people expect teenagers to be smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. We're not all like that, but its how they view us. But now, those of us that are the minority are kind of starting to wonder...

Is it as bad as it looks?

Let me start here in the section of this blog where I seem smart.

First of all, ALL UNDERAGE DRINKING AND SMOKING IS STUPID! There are laws for a reason. Its just to protect us...well some of the laws are to protect us. Not all of them. But these are here to protect us. A fourteen year old kid can not handle beer very well. A sixteen year old girl should not be telling me stories about how she got wasted on a bottle of Jack Daniels and some vodka. (Why is she not dead?! THAT'S WAY TO MUCH ALCOHOL FOR HER 90 POUND FRAME!!!)

Second, drinking and smoking in excess is also stupid. Drinking until your get totally wasted and can't remember what happened last night or getting so drunk you sleep with someone then wake up next to them without any memory about how you got there is completely and utterly idiotic in every way possible. Smoking until you sound like an old car engine? Um...that just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. Do you want to die of lung cancer and sound like a broken down car? I don't really think you do.

Third, drugs in general is also retarded. To start out they're kind of, sort of illegal. So that's a problem. Another problem is that they turn you into a stupid person basically. One of my favorite lines from a book I read was when two kids were talking about smoking. One was smoking a cigarette and one was smoking weed. The pot head looks at the girl who's smoking and says, "You know, smoking weed is a lot more healthy for you." The girl answers, "I may die young, but at least I won't die stupid. (That's John Greens, "Looking For Alaska", which is an excellent book aside from the cussing and those two scenes that I skipped.)

The important thing is, to think before you do something. Being impulsive can get you killed.

Look, I have friends who smoke. I have friends who drink. I have friends who do drugs or have done drugs. I have friends who do all bloody three. The ones who are stupid about it, I don't give them my time. They aren't worth it. The ones who do it in moderation I respect a little more. People who do drugs, I'm just there to try to get them to stop doing it.

These are the grey areas though! As Christians we have to decide where we draw the line. Obviously, the line for drugs should be way far away from it. Drugs are bad. Don't do them. THEY'RE ILLEGAL.

Drinking? Some Christians put their line with drinking right with their drug line. Which is OK. And then their are Christians who drink. If your a Christian, you should know better than to get wasted. But an occasional drink is not going to kill you if you do it wisely.

Smoking? Some Christian's think is OK. Some don't. I don't have much to say about that one. My opinion on the matter is that, as long as you don't smoke in excess it's OK. Cigars on holidays? That's OK too. Pipes? Since my best guy friends think their cool, I'm obligated to think so as well.

Just be smart. Don't do something stupid for the moment it makes you feel good. There are plenty of other ways to make yourself feel better that don't involve poisoning yourself slowly.

Until my opinions don't matter to me anymore,

Christina

PS

That won't ever happen by the way...the part about my opinions not mattering to me. They may stop mattering to you, but not to me.

NAMING THINGS IS HARD

So I've been trying to revamp this whole blog. I really want to delete this blog and just start a new one. But the problem is, I don't have any good names.

Names have always been a problem for me. Names for people, cars, places, books, stuffed animals, songs, and anything else that generally needs a name.

I name books all the time. Heartbeats.Search for Serenity.Childhood Lost.

I name stuffed animals. Remy the monkey, Clyde the ninja ferret/wombat/opossum thing, Goober the zebra. (actually, my military history teacher named Goober. Mr. Melton is just so cool.)

I name my wall...just don't ask me, OK? I was grounded and there was nothing to do!

I name inanimate objects. Ceniph my computer. Caden my guitar. Tigger the church van.

I name a lot of other things. As you can tell, those names are (for the lack of a better word) very strange. So I've been thinking through quite a few names for the blog. Here are a few:

1. Christina's Guide to the Four Peers

2. A Guide to High School, Life, and Everything

3. Ten Reasons Why

4. Life, Love, and High School

5. Cup Full of Sweet Water

Some of them need explaining and I'm too tired to do that. So, tell me what I should name the new blog! I think "Falling in the Black" is WAY to dark and dreary for my life. I mean, sure, my life sucks sometimes. But it's life. It's amazing too.

Until the mystery meat at Durham runs out,

Christina