Song of the Day: "Don't Jump" by Tokio Hotel (Kinda weird but good.)
Accessory of Awesome: my knife, stabbed dress
Money raised for the DR: $1,482
Let's get started! Enough with formalities, this is serious business, blogging! I have to get to the point before I start rambling because I tend to ramble quite a bit and I've been told its rather annoying...OK no I haven't Actually I've been told it's adorable. Which is equally disturbing and flattering depending on who it comes from.
So. How have you been? Oh wait. You can't answer. BWAHA!
Life has been both amazing and cruel and completely confusing. I feel great and broken and in control and falling apart-ish. But it's OK! I'm great! I'm doing great!
(Passes out from exhaustion)
OK, so that was an exxageration. (Pardon my spelling, apparently I can't fix that last word. I hope you get my point though.) Life has been great recently. I have my family and my friends and my God.
Me and God? We're tight now. OK, not as tight as we should be. But its getting there!!! And I'm so excited. I feel like life before January was...so different from now. I hope people have noticed a change in me, because I feel SO different. But I was a pretty good liar back then. Still am. I guess if no one noticed I've got a long ways to go.
There's a light inside now. Inside of me. Maybe it's not bright to everyone else yet, but it feels so bright to me. I mean...before hand there was only darkness inside of me. That was it. There was no light. There was no hope. There was confusion and anger and fear and pain and nothing made sense to me. Everything was repetitive and stupid and I hated almost everything at some point.
Now its the complete opposite. There is hope! There is love! There is still pain, anger and confusion. Those things will always be there. But... like I said. There's hope. I have hope because I know now that Christ is standing right here with me, cheering me on.
My AMAZING English teacher used an example in class. And since she always tells me not to plagiarize, I'll put it in quotes. "God is your number one cheerleader. Imagine that! Some people think that God stares at them with his arms crossed over his chest, tapping his foot, and groaning. They think God is saying, 'How could you mess up AGAIN? You suck so much. I can't stand you anymore.' But He's not! He's standing there cheering! He's saying 'Go Chris! Go Gumsan! Go Christina! Go, you can do this! I'm right here with you! It's alright that you fall, just get back up again and keep coming to me. I'm right here at the finish line, waiting for you.'"
I love my English teacher.
But that's what I feel like! I couple blogs ago I told you about that night when I was talking to my friend Graycen. How I was falling apart and I felt alone and in pain and so desperate for a hope. I was alone that day. That was the day I realized how freaking far I had fallen. And now I've at least crawled back to the right path.
Life is an amazing mess of surprises, circumstances and plot lines that are entangled so perfectly that it is IMPOSSIBLE to deny that there is a Creator.
I am so excited for my missions trips coming up. I am going to a rescue mission next week on Monday and Tuesday and I'm pretty psyched about that. This will be my fourth trip to this rescue mission and every time I go, between joking around with friends and cleaning thrift stores, I always learn something new.
I have a huge trip coming up super fast. It'll be a grand total of five weeks away from home for me and that is a huge thing!! I mean, I'm only just sixteen. The longest I've been away from home was nine days in Canada last year. (Has it really been that long? I MISS MY CANADIAN FRIENDS!!!)
But this trip costs a buttload of money. (Pardon my language...gaaasp!) And most of you who read this have already contributed to it. But if some of you haven't, here's the link.
DONATE
If you don't feel led to give, then don't! I'm not begging you for your money. God will provide a way. I know He will. But if you don't donate, please pray for me on this trip. I know that it'll be amazing.
I guess that's all I wanna talk about today. Thanks for reading.
Until my flip cam stops being demon possessed,
Christina
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Disappointments, Commitment, and the Dominican Republic
Song of the Day: "If You Ever Come Back" by the Script
Accessory of Awesome: these bags under my eyes that look more like bruises...
New Word: Notarized
Wow. The last time I wrote here was easily a month ago. I have a lot to catch you up on.
If you recall the last post I mentioned "nine more days" near the beginning. That was a count down to the time Vito was supposed to be here. To skip all the depressing bits, about six months has been added onto that date.
Don't start thinking it was his fault! Because it wasn't. He got caught in a sticky situation up there and couldn't make it. The two week date after that when I asked if he could try to make it was a hope soon demolished as well when he got into a car accident. So we're back where we started. Six months away from the next time we can see each other face to face. It'll have been a full year by the next time I see him.
If this time without him has been anything, it's been painful. But it's been worth it, let me tell you. I wouldn't trade all this for the world. (Although, I wouldn't trade most anything for the world. I don't want to actually own the world, I think that would be too much trouble.) But hey! Don't think I'm depressed about it. I'm managing. We'll get to each other eventually. It's a small world after all.
Wow I'm using very stupid quotes and metaphors at the moment. Sorry guys. I spent the night with Abby and we stayed up reading "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. Let me tell you: BEST BOOK IN THE FREAKIN WORLD!!!
I read it in five hours. It was beautiful. A work of art. I almost cried. The only reason I didn't cry was because Abby was asleep and I didn't want her to wake up. Oh goodness.... I can't say anything else or I'll give everything away and that would be very un-nerdfighter-y of me. So I'll just tell you to read it. You won't regret it.
Some books you regret reading. Like books that stop mid sentence.
Ha ha... that's a joke... But you would only understand if you read "The Fault in Our Stars" so READ IT!
OK so that was the disappointment segment of my blog. Let's move on to commitment.
No, this doesn't mean I'm getting married. It means I made a commitment. And not a stupid New Year's resolution. I think those are so over rated. I made a commitment on New Year's Eve to God. I got saved. Pretty legit huh? Yeah, I've got to say I'm excited about it.
I struggled with doubts for a long time. I struggled to find out who I was and why I was so scared and what made me the way I am. I wondered if God was even real or if some other religion like Buddhism or Islam was real. They even became to look appealing, other religions. Living in sin became my addiction. I didn't start drinking or smoking or anything. I reveled in my sinfulness though. I didn't want to let it go. And the only term that comes close to what I was feeling was "addiction."
But on New Year's Eve I realized that the reason I was so scared was because I never actually asked God to save me. I didn't ask Him for myself. I asked Him because I knew I should. I asked Him because my parents wanted me to. I didn't ask Him because I needed him.
But on New Year's Eve I did. I had been thinking that getting saved would make me more overwhelmed and scared. But it didn't.
That's not to say that the following few weeks were good. They were actually the worst weeks I've ever endured. (I might have worse later...but I hope not...) But there was aways the thought inside telling me it would all be alright. God has this in His hands. He's got it under control.
Which actually brings me to my last point pretty beautifully. I'm a great writer when I'm tired.
The Dominican Republic! This summer I'll be going on a missions trip. It includes a week of camp at Word of Life Island (whoop whoop), then a week of training on the Word of Life campus, and then three weeks in the Dominican Republic.
Five weeks. Five long weeks with people I don't really know that well? I'm freaking excited about this.
Let me tell you though, I am nervous about going with people I don't know very well. But I don't WANT people who I know well going with me. If I go on this trip with people I know really well, I know that it will become more about me hanging out with my friends then about serving God. So I WANT to do this on my own. And I think God wants that too.
That's just my idea. Personally.
Oh goodness though. It involves raising a butt load of money. I'm slightly panicked, but I know God has it in control. He always does.
So that finishes up my title. I have to do my homework and get ready for Davey to pick me up for Bible study tonight. If you were somehow offended by today's post, well...sorry? Don't know how it could offend anyone.
Mr. John Green, if you ever read this, sorry for talking about your book. Although, I did give you props for it, so it's like free advertising!
Vito, if you ever read this, yes I do talk about you a lot don't I? No, I won't stop doing it. You're just too interesting. Talk to you soon.
Davey, I talked about you too. Free advertising for bible study? Win. :)
Abby... lets start a nerd fighter club.
OK, I am now done. I hope you all feel thoroughly involved in my life now. Talk to you soon.
Until God stops having control(which is um...NEVER),
Christina
Accessory of Awesome: these bags under my eyes that look more like bruises...
New Word: Notarized
Wow. The last time I wrote here was easily a month ago. I have a lot to catch you up on.
If you recall the last post I mentioned "nine more days" near the beginning. That was a count down to the time Vito was supposed to be here. To skip all the depressing bits, about six months has been added onto that date.
Don't start thinking it was his fault! Because it wasn't. He got caught in a sticky situation up there and couldn't make it. The two week date after that when I asked if he could try to make it was a hope soon demolished as well when he got into a car accident. So we're back where we started. Six months away from the next time we can see each other face to face. It'll have been a full year by the next time I see him.
If this time without him has been anything, it's been painful. But it's been worth it, let me tell you. I wouldn't trade all this for the world. (Although, I wouldn't trade most anything for the world. I don't want to actually own the world, I think that would be too much trouble.) But hey! Don't think I'm depressed about it. I'm managing. We'll get to each other eventually. It's a small world after all.
Wow I'm using very stupid quotes and metaphors at the moment. Sorry guys. I spent the night with Abby and we stayed up reading "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. Let me tell you: BEST BOOK IN THE FREAKIN WORLD!!!
I read it in five hours. It was beautiful. A work of art. I almost cried. The only reason I didn't cry was because Abby was asleep and I didn't want her to wake up. Oh goodness.... I can't say anything else or I'll give everything away and that would be very un-nerdfighter-y of me. So I'll just tell you to read it. You won't regret it.
Some books you regret reading. Like books that stop mid sentence.
Ha ha... that's a joke... But you would only understand if you read "The Fault in Our Stars" so READ IT!
OK so that was the disappointment segment of my blog. Let's move on to commitment.
No, this doesn't mean I'm getting married. It means I made a commitment. And not a stupid New Year's resolution. I think those are so over rated. I made a commitment on New Year's Eve to God. I got saved. Pretty legit huh? Yeah, I've got to say I'm excited about it.
I struggled with doubts for a long time. I struggled to find out who I was and why I was so scared and what made me the way I am. I wondered if God was even real or if some other religion like Buddhism or Islam was real. They even became to look appealing, other religions. Living in sin became my addiction. I didn't start drinking or smoking or anything. I reveled in my sinfulness though. I didn't want to let it go. And the only term that comes close to what I was feeling was "addiction."
But on New Year's Eve I realized that the reason I was so scared was because I never actually asked God to save me. I didn't ask Him for myself. I asked Him because I knew I should. I asked Him because my parents wanted me to. I didn't ask Him because I needed him.
But on New Year's Eve I did. I had been thinking that getting saved would make me more overwhelmed and scared. But it didn't.
That's not to say that the following few weeks were good. They were actually the worst weeks I've ever endured. (I might have worse later...but I hope not...) But there was aways the thought inside telling me it would all be alright. God has this in His hands. He's got it under control.
Which actually brings me to my last point pretty beautifully. I'm a great writer when I'm tired.
The Dominican Republic! This summer I'll be going on a missions trip. It includes a week of camp at Word of Life Island (whoop whoop), then a week of training on the Word of Life campus, and then three weeks in the Dominican Republic.
Five weeks. Five long weeks with people I don't really know that well? I'm freaking excited about this.
Let me tell you though, I am nervous about going with people I don't know very well. But I don't WANT people who I know well going with me. If I go on this trip with people I know really well, I know that it will become more about me hanging out with my friends then about serving God. So I WANT to do this on my own. And I think God wants that too.
That's just my idea. Personally.
Oh goodness though. It involves raising a butt load of money. I'm slightly panicked, but I know God has it in control. He always does.
So that finishes up my title. I have to do my homework and get ready for Davey to pick me up for Bible study tonight. If you were somehow offended by today's post, well...sorry? Don't know how it could offend anyone.
Mr. John Green, if you ever read this, sorry for talking about your book. Although, I did give you props for it, so it's like free advertising!
Vito, if you ever read this, yes I do talk about you a lot don't I? No, I won't stop doing it. You're just too interesting. Talk to you soon.
Davey, I talked about you too. Free advertising for bible study? Win. :)
Abby... lets start a nerd fighter club.
OK, I am now done. I hope you all feel thoroughly involved in my life now. Talk to you soon.
Until God stops having control(which is um...NEVER),
Christina
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Isn't It Verdant?
Song of the Day: "I So Hate Consequences" Relient K
Accessory of Awesome: my verdant shirt
In this video, Link say's his new tunic is "verdant".
Then I got a shirt a couple days ago which looks like Link's tunic only kind of more girlish. This may or may not be the reason I bought it... BUT it is also verdant and when I got home my dad greeted me with the line from the video.
That is my life... I spend all day cracking nerdy jokes with my dad and having everyone stare at us because it makes little sense to people who don't spend the majority of their time reading books and/or comic books and watching crappy sci-fi movies.
Of anyone says I'm not a nerd, just watch me with my dad. If we're talking and then seemingly burst into laughter for no reason...it's probably because something reminded us of a comic book, movie, or 24.
Now I have a verdant top though! Yay me!
Have I mentioned I'm almost sixteen?
(I'm almost sixteen.)
It's so weird. I remember so clearly a few years ago when Megan, Abby and I sat in church talking about how one day we'd all be able to drive and be so cool just like the older girls in youth group.
Now were here...and we're all sixteen...with the exception of me because I'm the youngest. But almost! I'm almost sixteen!
So much has changed. It's only been a few years. Megan isn't here anymore. I pass her house almost every day. I haven't seen her since Abby's sixteenth birthday party. I haven't spoken to her in months. It's hard to keep in touch with someone when you don't know anything about each other anymore. Doesn't that suck?!
You'd think that with all the technology we had we'd be able to make a transporter beam so we could go visit people in an instant! That'd be fantastic.
I have to go see an adulterer who wants to examine my mouth for parasites now. That's right. I'm going to the dentist. He always seems to be having affairs with the other ladies who work at the office with him. It's really disgusting...considering he's actually really creepy looking. People make me sick.
Oh well. I'm glad I got to share about my verdant shirt and increasing age. Talk to you soon!
Until the atmosphere pops...which hopefully never happens,
Christina
Accessory of Awesome: my verdant shirt
Ok, now that I'm done with that, I can move on to what's important in life. Like my verdant shirt. Have you ever heard of college humor? Well they are a bunch of nerds who make videos, some of which are not very appropriate so don't go and watch them and come to me whining about how your mind was defiled and it's my fault. It's actually your fault. So heed my warning: "DON'T WATCH THEM IF YOU DON'T LIKE HEARING CUSSING, SEX JOKES, SEXIST JOKES, OR BAD....STUFF!!"
Other than that, they are hilarious. My dad found one that has Zelda (from Legend of Zelda the video game amazingness) and Princess Peach (from Mario Brothers) arguing about which of their men are better.
Then I got a shirt a couple days ago which looks like Link's tunic only kind of more girlish. This may or may not be the reason I bought it... BUT it is also verdant and when I got home my dad greeted me with the line from the video.
That is my life... I spend all day cracking nerdy jokes with my dad and having everyone stare at us because it makes little sense to people who don't spend the majority of their time reading books and/or comic books and watching crappy sci-fi movies.
Of anyone says I'm not a nerd, just watch me with my dad. If we're talking and then seemingly burst into laughter for no reason...it's probably because something reminded us of a comic book, movie, or 24.
Now I have a verdant top though! Yay me!
Have I mentioned I'm almost sixteen?
(I'm almost sixteen.)
It's so weird. I remember so clearly a few years ago when Megan, Abby and I sat in church talking about how one day we'd all be able to drive and be so cool just like the older girls in youth group.
Now were here...and we're all sixteen...with the exception of me because I'm the youngest. But almost! I'm almost sixteen!
So much has changed. It's only been a few years. Megan isn't here anymore. I pass her house almost every day. I haven't seen her since Abby's sixteenth birthday party. I haven't spoken to her in months. It's hard to keep in touch with someone when you don't know anything about each other anymore. Doesn't that suck?!
You'd think that with all the technology we had we'd be able to make a transporter beam so we could go visit people in an instant! That'd be fantastic.
I have to go see an adulterer who wants to examine my mouth for parasites now. That's right. I'm going to the dentist. He always seems to be having affairs with the other ladies who work at the office with him. It's really disgusting...considering he's actually really creepy looking. People make me sick.
Oh well. I'm glad I got to share about my verdant shirt and increasing age. Talk to you soon!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
All I Want For Christmas Is...
Song(s) of the Day: "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey
"Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift (from the Hunger Games sound track)
"Wait for Me" by Shane Harper
Accessory of Awesome: my new shirt! (Who Let the Nerds Out?)
Wow...I have had an excellent Christmas.
Christmas seems to have lost its magical shine from when I was a kid. But it's still wonderful. I woke up this morning and the first thoughts through my mind were these:
"It's Christmas..." and "In thirteen days I'll be able to see Vito."
Yeah. I'm pathetic like that. Ha! But both were equally true, so it's not that bad now is it?
Melissa, Nathan, and I spent the night upstairs in the "play room". It's the room we keep the comic books, wii, video games, and old VHS tapes in. Melissa and I slept on the sofa and Nathan slept on the floor because he's a boy and can tough it out.
He would've been touching it out, but actually he slept on a memory foam mattress...so he was probably more comfortable than we were.
Anyways, we woke up and chilled up there for a long time. My family has a long standing tradition when we wait for mom to make the downstairs magical, and then we go down stairs. Mom used to do it so she could video tape us coming down the stairs with huge grins on our faces, wearing our new PJs. Now she just does it because she needs more time to sleep and make breakfast.
Our nine foot tree was glimmering with lights. Music played out of the sound system my dad adores in our living room. We sat around on the sofa and I got read the Christmas story this year. And, knowing how horrible a person I am, I... IMPROVISED!!! Oh my. Sin.
(For those of you who don't know, it's technical a sin to add on to the Bible. I wasn't actually adding on to the Bible, I was just joking around. But...that's beside the point.)
We each got to open our stockings, in which I found a lot of candy I have yet to sink my teeth into and a few little toys. My favorite was the ADD string. You've heard of ADD blocks, right? Well this is the same thing...only a string!
To put it simply, it satisfied my ADD for a long time. I just sat there and played with it.
We ate breakfast, which was immensely satisfying. Since we still had a while before we left for church, Nathan and I handed out our gifts. I'm glad to say that my gifts were enjoyed. I'm glad Melissa liked the art books I got her because I was pretty darn scared she'd hate them. Haha!
We headed to church and I had a blast. I mean, every week I have fun just because it's church. But this week, all my college friends were there and everyone was smiling. I had so much fun.
All the older kids from my youth group who have graduated and moved onto college resemble my extended siblings. So they pick on my a lot. Luke, Brian, Garrett, Daniel, Charles, Kevin, Noelle, Shannon, Jessie, and assorted members from the church make up my closest friends. It sounds pretty silly. But I love them all. They made me laugh so hard during church.
After church we went back home and opened up the rest of our presents. I am now enjoying the comfort of several pairs of socks, slippers, and PJs. Along with these, I received a study bible, a flipcam, many iTunes gift cards, and Dr. Who season 6. I also got a couple notebooks and pens which will fill up rather rapidly...
So, over all, I HAD THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! In ya'lls FACES! Haha!
I hope you all had great Christmases as well. I'm praying each one of you has a blessed day and week and month... and you know....forever. Keep Christ in Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.
Until Davey stops coming over to my house for Dr. Who,
Christina
"Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift (from the Hunger Games sound track)
"Wait for Me" by Shane Harper
Accessory of Awesome: my new shirt! (Who Let the Nerds Out?)
Wow...I have had an excellent Christmas.
Christmas seems to have lost its magical shine from when I was a kid. But it's still wonderful. I woke up this morning and the first thoughts through my mind were these:
"It's Christmas..." and "In thirteen days I'll be able to see Vito."
Yeah. I'm pathetic like that. Ha! But both were equally true, so it's not that bad now is it?
Melissa, Nathan, and I spent the night upstairs in the "play room". It's the room we keep the comic books, wii, video games, and old VHS tapes in. Melissa and I slept on the sofa and Nathan slept on the floor because he's a boy and can tough it out.
He would've been touching it out, but actually he slept on a memory foam mattress...so he was probably more comfortable than we were.
Anyways, we woke up and chilled up there for a long time. My family has a long standing tradition when we wait for mom to make the downstairs magical, and then we go down stairs. Mom used to do it so she could video tape us coming down the stairs with huge grins on our faces, wearing our new PJs. Now she just does it because she needs more time to sleep and make breakfast.
Our nine foot tree was glimmering with lights. Music played out of the sound system my dad adores in our living room. We sat around on the sofa and I got read the Christmas story this year. And, knowing how horrible a person I am, I... IMPROVISED!!! Oh my. Sin.
(For those of you who don't know, it's technical a sin to add on to the Bible. I wasn't actually adding on to the Bible, I was just joking around. But...that's beside the point.)
We each got to open our stockings, in which I found a lot of candy I have yet to sink my teeth into and a few little toys. My favorite was the ADD string. You've heard of ADD blocks, right? Well this is the same thing...only a string!
To put it simply, it satisfied my ADD for a long time. I just sat there and played with it.
We ate breakfast, which was immensely satisfying. Since we still had a while before we left for church, Nathan and I handed out our gifts. I'm glad to say that my gifts were enjoyed. I'm glad Melissa liked the art books I got her because I was pretty darn scared she'd hate them. Haha!
We headed to church and I had a blast. I mean, every week I have fun just because it's church. But this week, all my college friends were there and everyone was smiling. I had so much fun.
All the older kids from my youth group who have graduated and moved onto college resemble my extended siblings. So they pick on my a lot. Luke, Brian, Garrett, Daniel, Charles, Kevin, Noelle, Shannon, Jessie, and assorted members from the church make up my closest friends. It sounds pretty silly. But I love them all. They made me laugh so hard during church.
After church we went back home and opened up the rest of our presents. I am now enjoying the comfort of several pairs of socks, slippers, and PJs. Along with these, I received a study bible, a flipcam, many iTunes gift cards, and Dr. Who season 6. I also got a couple notebooks and pens which will fill up rather rapidly...
So, over all, I HAD THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! In ya'lls FACES! Haha!
I hope you all had great Christmases as well. I'm praying each one of you has a blessed day and week and month... and you know....forever. Keep Christ in Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.
Until Davey stops coming over to my house for Dr. Who,
Christina
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Confession
I feel like I've done this before on this blog. But I don't think I have. Anyways, you didn't start reading this to hear me talk about deja vu. You came to hear my confession.
Confession One: I am a liar.
Confession Two: I am a hypocrite.
Confession Three: I hate who I have been and I plan on changing.
Confession Four: I am very, VERY new at this apparently.
You probably need an explanation for all of that.
For the past several weeks, maybe months, I have been doubting my faith. I have been failing my King, my Creator. I was angry and resentful. I hated everyone. I hated even God. I hated everything and myself.
Myself expecially.
It disgusts me how much of a liar I am. I started a bible study with Davey and Josh, and still I doubted. I pointed people back to the bible even though I didn't listen to the bible or care what it said. I gave off the impression that I was happy and loving God and that everything was fine, which is hasn't been for quite a while.
Tonight, on top of everything that has been on top of my shoulders, it dawned on me. I didn't even believe God was real anymore. I didn't trust Him or see Him or feel Him or have Him.
I admitted this to my small group at youth group. In front of these girls I respect and love, I admitted that I had doubts about God right now. I had no idea who I was or who God was or what was going to happen to me when I died.
Mrs. Bacon gave me some verses to read. I read them sure. I looked at them once she gave them to me and I got more frustrated because they were things I'd read since I was a child. They were things I knew by heart. They were either that or things that I couldn't make sense of, which was even worse. I wrote it down in my journal and set about blogging.
This was a blog I didn't publish. But it was basically a rant. I very angry, hurt, and depressed rant about how God was doing nothing in my life. How my life was messed up and disgusting and God didn't seem to care.
I finished it with some insults at my friends and family, fed up with them not noticing that I was falling apart. And then I deleted it and fell onto my bed in tears.
I was so messed up. I was angry and resentful and hurting and it was all my fault, and I knew that. But I was blaming it on anyone I could. I was blaming it on my friends who "should've" noticed even though I've been living a lie for the past few months. I was blaming my parents, who have done nothing but try to help me. I blamed God for leaving me here, in the middle of my sin and anguish and pain.
I sat there on my bed and sobbed. I didn't know who I was or what God was or what would happen to me if I died right then. I lay there, curled up in a ball, angry and crying. I was sure I was going to stay like that all night.
Then Graycen texted me, offering to listen when I needed it because she'd understand. I'm ashamed to stay I started laguhing. I laughed this angry, hollow laugh through my tears.
"Like you'd understand anything about me." I'd whispered, still laughing and still crying. I texted her back, saying that I doubted she would understand.
She didn't give up. She texted back and said that she was there if I needed to talk. She said that sh'ed been to counseling and could help. And I laughed again, the same disgusting sound as before. Because if anyone knows anything about counseling, I do.
I told her it didn't work and that, aside from the fact it didn't work, I was a liar and a hypocrite and no one would want to help me.
She told me she forgave me and that God loved me. She told me I could find answers.
She didn't even know! She didn't know that'd I'd basically been lying to the whole school for months, convincing them I was a good person! She didn't know that I'd been hypocritical to her and to my classmates and to my friends. But she forgave me?
I started crying again. Because I was sure I couldn't find answers. I told her that too. I said that I was trying to find answers but I was scared because I didn't know what to do or where to turn or if God was even real.
She quoted John 16:33 to me. "I have told you these things tht you may have peace in the world, you will have trouble but take heart. I have overcome this world."
I was crying harder then, because I didn't feel God. All I felt was a pressure of darkness, anger, shame, and fear around me. I was terrified. I was crying so hard I thought my head was going to burst. I was so scared I wanted to call for someone to hold me, but I couldn't.
I heard voices whisper that I'd have to let things go that I loved. I'd have to let people go if I wanted to follow God. Now I see it was the devil trying to get me to stop asking questions, but at the time I was just overcome with fear and I said out loud, "You can't have him." Over and over, I said that. I was so scared I couldn't move.
I told her that God wasn't there. I told her that I couldn't feel him.
She told me that we all go through times where we can't find God. But He's still there. She said that He is God, the creator and He has a purpose for our lives. She said that God has all the right answers and that He only tests us to make sure we stay faithful. Our pain and fear we feel now won't last. Eventually we die and we go to heaven or hell.
I asked how I could know for sure I was going to heaven, because honestly I didn't really know.
I'm not going to say I got saved, because I got saved a while ago when I was younger. But I definitly rededicated my life to the Lord tonight.
What have a learned? I haven't learned anything new neccesarily, because I've been hearing this since I was a kid. But I know a few things now. That God is always there, no matter what. I know that I am definitly going to heaven.
Sure I still have questions. I'm going out with one of my friends on Tuesday to ask some of them. But I'm ready now. I know God's here. He has a plan for my life and it's a big one. It's always a big one, for everyone.
I have so much to learn. They say the closer you are to God, the more you realize how sinful you are. I feel pretty disgusting right now, but God forgave me. All I can do now if follow what He has to say, and look for more answers to my questions.
Till my search ends, which will be never,
Christina
Confession One: I am a liar.
Confession Two: I am a hypocrite.
Confession Three: I hate who I have been and I plan on changing.
Confession Four: I am very, VERY new at this apparently.
You probably need an explanation for all of that.
For the past several weeks, maybe months, I have been doubting my faith. I have been failing my King, my Creator. I was angry and resentful. I hated everyone. I hated even God. I hated everything and myself.
Myself expecially.
It disgusts me how much of a liar I am. I started a bible study with Davey and Josh, and still I doubted. I pointed people back to the bible even though I didn't listen to the bible or care what it said. I gave off the impression that I was happy and loving God and that everything was fine, which is hasn't been for quite a while.
Tonight, on top of everything that has been on top of my shoulders, it dawned on me. I didn't even believe God was real anymore. I didn't trust Him or see Him or feel Him or have Him.
I admitted this to my small group at youth group. In front of these girls I respect and love, I admitted that I had doubts about God right now. I had no idea who I was or who God was or what was going to happen to me when I died.
Mrs. Bacon gave me some verses to read. I read them sure. I looked at them once she gave them to me and I got more frustrated because they were things I'd read since I was a child. They were things I knew by heart. They were either that or things that I couldn't make sense of, which was even worse. I wrote it down in my journal and set about blogging.
This was a blog I didn't publish. But it was basically a rant. I very angry, hurt, and depressed rant about how God was doing nothing in my life. How my life was messed up and disgusting and God didn't seem to care.
I finished it with some insults at my friends and family, fed up with them not noticing that I was falling apart. And then I deleted it and fell onto my bed in tears.
I was so messed up. I was angry and resentful and hurting and it was all my fault, and I knew that. But I was blaming it on anyone I could. I was blaming it on my friends who "should've" noticed even though I've been living a lie for the past few months. I was blaming my parents, who have done nothing but try to help me. I blamed God for leaving me here, in the middle of my sin and anguish and pain.
I sat there on my bed and sobbed. I didn't know who I was or what God was or what would happen to me if I died right then. I lay there, curled up in a ball, angry and crying. I was sure I was going to stay like that all night.
Then Graycen texted me, offering to listen when I needed it because she'd understand. I'm ashamed to stay I started laguhing. I laughed this angry, hollow laugh through my tears.
"Like you'd understand anything about me." I'd whispered, still laughing and still crying. I texted her back, saying that I doubted she would understand.
She didn't give up. She texted back and said that she was there if I needed to talk. She said that sh'ed been to counseling and could help. And I laughed again, the same disgusting sound as before. Because if anyone knows anything about counseling, I do.
I told her it didn't work and that, aside from the fact it didn't work, I was a liar and a hypocrite and no one would want to help me.
She told me she forgave me and that God loved me. She told me I could find answers.
She didn't even know! She didn't know that'd I'd basically been lying to the whole school for months, convincing them I was a good person! She didn't know that I'd been hypocritical to her and to my classmates and to my friends. But she forgave me?
I started crying again. Because I was sure I couldn't find answers. I told her that too. I said that I was trying to find answers but I was scared because I didn't know what to do or where to turn or if God was even real.
She quoted John 16:33 to me. "I have told you these things tht you may have peace in the world, you will have trouble but take heart. I have overcome this world."
I was crying harder then, because I didn't feel God. All I felt was a pressure of darkness, anger, shame, and fear around me. I was terrified. I was crying so hard I thought my head was going to burst. I was so scared I wanted to call for someone to hold me, but I couldn't.
I heard voices whisper that I'd have to let things go that I loved. I'd have to let people go if I wanted to follow God. Now I see it was the devil trying to get me to stop asking questions, but at the time I was just overcome with fear and I said out loud, "You can't have him." Over and over, I said that. I was so scared I couldn't move.
I told her that God wasn't there. I told her that I couldn't feel him.
She told me that we all go through times where we can't find God. But He's still there. She said that He is God, the creator and He has a purpose for our lives. She said that God has all the right answers and that He only tests us to make sure we stay faithful. Our pain and fear we feel now won't last. Eventually we die and we go to heaven or hell.
I asked how I could know for sure I was going to heaven, because honestly I didn't really know.
I'm not going to say I got saved, because I got saved a while ago when I was younger. But I definitly rededicated my life to the Lord tonight.
What have a learned? I haven't learned anything new neccesarily, because I've been hearing this since I was a kid. But I know a few things now. That God is always there, no matter what. I know that I am definitly going to heaven.
Sure I still have questions. I'm going out with one of my friends on Tuesday to ask some of them. But I'm ready now. I know God's here. He has a plan for my life and it's a big one. It's always a big one, for everyone.
I have so much to learn. They say the closer you are to God, the more you realize how sinful you are. I feel pretty disgusting right now, but God forgave me. All I can do now if follow what He has to say, and look for more answers to my questions.
Till my search ends, which will be never,
Christina
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
I'm thankful for a number of things this year. God has blessed me so much. I let myself believe sometimes that my life isn't wonderful. Sometimes I let the devil tell me that life could be better. But in all honesty, it couldn't be. God obviously has me here, which is the best it can get. I have a house, clothes, food, heating, AC, and a family. My friends are amazing.
I'll just list off some stuff I'm thankful for:
Until my class ring stops being AWESOME,
Christina
I'll just list off some stuff I'm thankful for:
- My family, who are unconditionally here for me even if we get into fights a lot.
- My best friend in the world, Abby, whom without I would surely loose my insanity and go sane. I love her so much.
- The four peers, Davey, Seth, Logan, and Jeremy. Without them we'd still have a wild Ian in our school and I would be without four of my best guy friends.
- My lunch table which consists of Logan, Davey, Alex, Austin, Payne, Chris, Gumsan, Caleb, and sometimes Josh. If I didn't have them, I would have no one to tell me about the Pope, video games, Rigil, or sports. I would also not have as much food in my belly. So, thanks for not making fun of my crazy ideas and letting me be your friend, guys.
- My youth group, who picks me up and helps me along when ever I need them too. They make me smile when I feel like crying and they are always there for me.
- My school in general. Even though we have drama, some of the teachers get on my nerves, and we have to wear these silly uniforms...it's still the best school ever. We really do actually care about each other and we really do have Christ in our school. Love you guys!
- All my friends from camp! I love you guys so much. Your all insane.
- All my friends from Canada! You guys are the best people in the world. You made my stay in PEI the best ever. Brandon, Jordan, Reice, MacKenzie, Bailey, Jeremy, Jessica, Tibor, Sherlyn, John, and Melissa. You guys are the best.
- GREEN M&M's!!! Nuff' said.
Until my class ring stops being AWESOME,
Christina
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Grey Areas
Has anyone noticed that the longer your alive, the more grey areas there seem to be. When your a kid, your taught right and wrong. Your parents say going out after dark is bad, its bad. Your parents say smoking, drinking, and drugs is wrong, you create yourself a little world where you keep all of those things out. Your just a little kid, you don't know anything. So its an easy thing to do. Sure you may not want to sometimes, but it doesn't matter. Your parents are your parents. They'll spank you.
Then you grow up. You grow up and realize your parents can't spank you. You hear that drugs and drinking and smoking isn't bad all the time. Just sometimes. But you remember what your parents say and stay away from it. But now, your curiosity is peaked. You think, "Hey...maybe its not all bad. I'm not going to do it. But it doesn't seem as awful as mom and dad said."
Underage drinking and underage smoking is so normal now-a-days that people expect teenagers to be smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. We're not all like that, but its how they view us. But now, those of us that are the minority are kind of starting to wonder...
Is it as bad as it looks?
Let me start here in the section of this blog where I seem smart.
First of all, ALL UNDERAGE DRINKING AND SMOKING IS STUPID! There are laws for a reason. Its just to protect us...well some of the laws are to protect us. Not all of them. But these are here to protect us. A fourteen year old kid can not handle beer very well. A sixteen year old girl should not be telling me stories about how she got wasted on a bottle of Jack Daniels and some vodka. (Why is she not dead?! THAT'S WAY TO MUCH ALCOHOL FOR HER 90 POUND FRAME!!!)
Second, drinking and smoking in excess is also stupid. Drinking until your get totally wasted and can't remember what happened last night or getting so drunk you sleep with someone then wake up next to them without any memory about how you got there is completely and utterly idiotic in every way possible. Smoking until you sound like an old car engine? Um...that just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. Do you want to die of lung cancer and sound like a broken down car? I don't really think you do.
Third, drugs in general is also retarded. To start out they're kind of, sort of illegal. So that's a problem. Another problem is that they turn you into a stupid person basically. One of my favorite lines from a book I read was when two kids were talking about smoking. One was smoking a cigarette and one was smoking weed. The pot head looks at the girl who's smoking and says, "You know, smoking weed is a lot more healthy for you." The girl answers, "I may die young, but at least I won't die stupid. (That's John Greens, "Looking For Alaska", which is an excellent book aside from the cussing and those two scenes that I skipped.)
The important thing is, to think before you do something. Being impulsive can get you killed.
Look, I have friends who smoke. I have friends who drink. I have friends who do drugs or have done drugs. I have friends who do all bloody three. The ones who are stupid about it, I don't give them my time. They aren't worth it. The ones who do it in moderation I respect a little more. People who do drugs, I'm just there to try to get them to stop doing it.
These are the grey areas though! As Christians we have to decide where we draw the line. Obviously, the line for drugs should be way far away from it. Drugs are bad. Don't do them. THEY'RE ILLEGAL.
Drinking? Some Christians put their line with drinking right with their drug line. Which is OK. And then their are Christians who drink. If your a Christian, you should know better than to get wasted. But an occasional drink is not going to kill you if you do it wisely.
Smoking? Some Christian's think is OK. Some don't. I don't have much to say about that one. My opinion on the matter is that, as long as you don't smoke in excess it's OK. Cigars on holidays? That's OK too. Pipes? Since my best guy friends think their cool, I'm obligated to think so as well.
Just be smart. Don't do something stupid for the moment it makes you feel good. There are plenty of other ways to make yourself feel better that don't involve poisoning yourself slowly.
Until my opinions don't matter to me anymore,
Christina
PS
That won't ever happen by the way...the part about my opinions not mattering to me. They may stop mattering to you, but not to me.
Then you grow up. You grow up and realize your parents can't spank you. You hear that drugs and drinking and smoking isn't bad all the time. Just sometimes. But you remember what your parents say and stay away from it. But now, your curiosity is peaked. You think, "Hey...maybe its not all bad. I'm not going to do it. But it doesn't seem as awful as mom and dad said."
Underage drinking and underage smoking is so normal now-a-days that people expect teenagers to be smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. We're not all like that, but its how they view us. But now, those of us that are the minority are kind of starting to wonder...
Is it as bad as it looks?
Let me start here in the section of this blog where I seem smart.
First of all, ALL UNDERAGE DRINKING AND SMOKING IS STUPID! There are laws for a reason. Its just to protect us...well some of the laws are to protect us. Not all of them. But these are here to protect us. A fourteen year old kid can not handle beer very well. A sixteen year old girl should not be telling me stories about how she got wasted on a bottle of Jack Daniels and some vodka. (Why is she not dead?! THAT'S WAY TO MUCH ALCOHOL FOR HER 90 POUND FRAME!!!)
Second, drinking and smoking in excess is also stupid. Drinking until your get totally wasted and can't remember what happened last night or getting so drunk you sleep with someone then wake up next to them without any memory about how you got there is completely and utterly idiotic in every way possible. Smoking until you sound like an old car engine? Um...that just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. Do you want to die of lung cancer and sound like a broken down car? I don't really think you do.
Third, drugs in general is also retarded. To start out they're kind of, sort of illegal. So that's a problem. Another problem is that they turn you into a stupid person basically. One of my favorite lines from a book I read was when two kids were talking about smoking. One was smoking a cigarette and one was smoking weed. The pot head looks at the girl who's smoking and says, "You know, smoking weed is a lot more healthy for you." The girl answers, "I may die young, but at least I won't die stupid. (That's John Greens, "Looking For Alaska", which is an excellent book aside from the cussing and those two scenes that I skipped.)
The important thing is, to think before you do something. Being impulsive can get you killed.
Look, I have friends who smoke. I have friends who drink. I have friends who do drugs or have done drugs. I have friends who do all bloody three. The ones who are stupid about it, I don't give them my time. They aren't worth it. The ones who do it in moderation I respect a little more. People who do drugs, I'm just there to try to get them to stop doing it.
These are the grey areas though! As Christians we have to decide where we draw the line. Obviously, the line for drugs should be way far away from it. Drugs are bad. Don't do them. THEY'RE ILLEGAL.
Drinking? Some Christians put their line with drinking right with their drug line. Which is OK. And then their are Christians who drink. If your a Christian, you should know better than to get wasted. But an occasional drink is not going to kill you if you do it wisely.
Smoking? Some Christian's think is OK. Some don't. I don't have much to say about that one. My opinion on the matter is that, as long as you don't smoke in excess it's OK. Cigars on holidays? That's OK too. Pipes? Since my best guy friends think their cool, I'm obligated to think so as well.
Just be smart. Don't do something stupid for the moment it makes you feel good. There are plenty of other ways to make yourself feel better that don't involve poisoning yourself slowly.
Until my opinions don't matter to me anymore,
Christina
PS
That won't ever happen by the way...the part about my opinions not mattering to me. They may stop mattering to you, but not to me.
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